22 Simple Ways to Maximize Your Money

The Ooine.com Guide to Keeping Your Dough

Over the years I have come across a number of simple methods to maximize your money.  Much of this is simple, common sense and some of it is downright scamming.  Take it or leave it.  Here is my completely random list:

1) Ask for stuff

It’s true.  Ask and you shall receive.  Nobody is going to give you anything if they don’t know you want it.  When buying something, ask if there is a coupon or a discount.  Companies will give you things if you just ask.  The other day I wrote to Del-Monte about their Fruit Naturals that I mentioned a few days ago.  They sent me coupons in the mail for free products.  In college, when I was bored, I called those 1-800 numbers you find on the back of many products.  Coupons for free stuff always followed in the mail.

2) Be aggressive

I learned this while driving.  By nature, I am a “by the books” driver.  I follow the rules as long as I am conscious of them… which is virtually always.  I tend to always give the benefit of the doubt.  A few months ago I decided to try an experiment.  For a short time I tried to be aggressive when driving whenever possible.  It paid off BIG TIME.  I didn’t violate any laws, I simply took the initiative whenever a situation presented itself.

How does this relate to money?  When you buy something online and you see a “coupon” or “promotional code” box during checkout.  Stop and Google that biyatch.  If you are overwhelmed by all the SuperMegaCoupon sites, two reputable ones are FatWallet.com and GotApex.com.  I can’t tell you how many coupons I’ve found in this manner.  Don’t be afraid to plug in “expired” coupons either because they will often work.

Recently I purchased a diamond bracelet from BlueNile.com and used a coupon for VISA card members.  I paid with an AMEX.  The coupon worked anyway and I saved $150 instantly.

3) Always select “group items into as few shipments as possible” when ordering from Amazon.com

I placed an order yesterday for a number of items from Amazon.  One of the items is not currently in stock.  During checkout they gave me the option of separating my items for shipment so that the one item doesn’t delay the entire order.  This option would have cost me $8.  I didn’t do it.

Just now I got an email from Amazon stating that part of my order has shipped.  Turns out the $8 is PURELY OPTIONAL.

I’ve ordered steadily from Amazon since they launched and I’ve had this happen to me multiple times.

4) Take advantage of low risk situations

I’m about to buy something from a local store.  They have a website that is old skool.  Typically outdated and seriously low tech.  They have a link that says “click here for our latest coupon!”.  I click and am presented with a PDF coupon that indicates it expired 10/2005.  I then click Print Screen.  Paste into Paint Shop Pro.  Select background color with Dropper Tool.  Select area around “Expires 10/2005″.  Press Delete key.  Print.

I now have a 20% off any single item coupon that doesn’t expire.  Will I get away with using it?  Heck, I’ll try.  It’s extremely low risk.  All they can say is “that coupon is expired”.  I’ll say, “okay, no problem”.  Chances are the employee handling the transaction has no clue about what coupons exist and if they are currently valid.

I’ll report back on my success or the amount of my bail.

Success! I used the coupon last night and saved myself $6.

A few years ago we got a membership to a local zoo.  They gave us a small packet of items for becoming members.  One of the items was a sheet of 8 coupons printed on a normal-sized green piece of paper.  The coupons were called Zoo Bucks and were worth $1 each to be used anywhere in the zoo.  It would have been EXTREMELY easy to take that sheet home and print up unlimited Zoo Bucks as there was nothing unique or secure about them.  Although tempted, I passed on this one.

5) Always pay your credit card in full every month.

Duh!  Most Americans obviously don’t do this.  That’s because most Americans are not like you and I.  Most Americans don’t speak correctly, don’t understand the law, obtain their education from the television, endlessly pass on mis-information, are told how to act and think by corporate marketing departments, and believe most everything they are told without ever looking it up for themselves.

6) Never use a Debit Check Card instead of a credit card.

Why most Americans do this, I’ll never know.  They must be retarded spazzes.  Oh yeah, see #5.

And puhlease stop using paper checks!!  I’m talking to you… “any American woman over the age of 35″.  Why do these women still even carry around checkbooks?  Why?  Because of item #5.  They are consumer robots.

I simply can’t recall the last time that I needed to actually write a paper check.

7) Don’t store a lot of money in a checking account.

Unless you enjoy making virtually zero interest on your money.  Try an ING Direct Orange Savings Account for the bulk of your liquid savings.  Anything beyond that should obviously be invested in other vehicles.

Maximize your 401(k) contributions.

Pay yourself first!

9) Maximize your IRA contributions.

Pay yourself first!

10) Take advantage of Money Back Guarantees.

If a product offers a money back guarantee for any reason… GET YOUR MONEY BACK.  Hello!  Write the letter or whatever is required and you will get a check in the mail.

11) Never buy anything other than the lowest grade of gasoline.

There’s no difference.

Damn, I knew this… but I didn’t want to get into it.  (Teeming Millions: “Sure, sure.  Whatever…”)

Pat let me know that the higher grades of gasoline are necessary for the small fleet of high performance cars that require it.  I’ve heard that before and as far as I understand it, it’s true.  Therefore, I guess what I meant to say was this.  If you own a Hyundai like me, don’t bother paying for the good stuff.

Here’s a pretty good fact sheet from the Federal Trade Commision.

12) Always buy the generic equivalent of your favorite Cold Remedy.

There’s no difference.  I bought some allergy eye drops the other day.  My usual brand is called Naphcon-A.  On the same shelf I found an identical product, Opcon-A that was selling for exactly 1/2 the price of Naphcon-A.  Absolutely no difference in the products.

13)  Why buy when you can download?

That’s what I’ve heard anyway.  No other experience with this one.  Moving on…

14) Never rent anything other than a temporary place to sleep, a temporary thing to drive, unique items that you will only use once, and movies from Netflix or Blockbuster.

All other renting is a waste of money.  Rent-a-Center is like the lottery… a voluntary tax on the poor.

15) Always pay for a vehicle in cash.

This is essentially #14 for your permanent car.  Leasing is the same as renting.  If you need to lease a car, chances are you can’t afford the car in the first place.  Buy a used car and make the original owner take the depreciation hit.  The exceptions to this rule are:

1. You can get 0% financing with no fees of any kind.
2. You can get X% financing, which is less than the Y% interest that your cash payment would be making you in other investments.
3. The only way you can possibly bring in more money is through the use of your car, and this is absolutely the only way you can afford a car.
4. You are a typical American and you are brainwashed to think that you always need to drive a new car.

16) Never buy a new vehicle.

The last two vehicles I’ve purchased have been new.  Hypocrite!  Did I spend more money than I should have?  Yes.  Was it worth it?  Probably not.  Though it did get me into a Hyundai commercial that covered half the cost of the vehicle.  Obviously a rare circumstance.

It really depends upon your personal desires.  “Worth” can be subjective when applied to things that impact your life as much as a car or a home.  To some people, spending the extra money for a new car that they can mess up themselves has worth.

17) Only buy lottery tickets if you recognize what you are buying.

You are buying the chance to dream for a day.  To me, that’s worth the occasional buck or two… nothing more.

18) Bring your lunch from home.

Imagine finding $1000 in cash once per year.  Same thing.  If you didn’t buy your lunch at work, you could buy a new refrigerator every year.  Though, I’m not sure why you would want to do that.  You’re weird.

19) Cancel any credit cards that don’t give you cash rewards.

Nothing like getting a $300 check in the mail every year from your credit card company.  That’s what I get from using a Citi Dividend Card.  If your card gives you nothing, switch.  If your card gives you anything other than cash, switch.

20) Turn stuff off.

Keeping your computer monitor on all the time costs you about $216 per year per monitor according to some estimates.

21) Always use those stupid marketing-ploy Membership Rewards cards (if there’s no fee).

They suck ass from a marketing perspective because the store gets to use all of your valuable demographic information, but the cards will save you mucho money at the register.  Or rather, they will help you to avoid getting ripped off.

For me, CVS seems to have the best program.  I always save money with their card and every once and a while a $3 or $5 dollar off next purchase coupon will be attached to my receipt.

It’s funny how things have shifted.

• Banks used to pay you to have a checking account with them.  These days, it’s a priviledge just to have free checking.
• You used to have to pay to have a credit card.  Now, credit card companies pay you.
• Stores used to reward the few who actively seeked out their advertisements and clipped coupons.  Now stores penalize the few who don’t wish to surrender their demographic information.

Of course, we here at Ooine Laboratories believe that you should always submit fake information whenever you are allowed to do so.  Never voluntarily provide real information.

22) The customer is always right, dammit!

Three weeks ago I went to Home Depot with my father-in-law.  We are renovating a house and ended up buying just over $2,000 worth of materials that night, including a french door.  The following week, my father-in-law realized that the door was not the correct size, it was too small.  We re-visited Home Depot to return the door.  Shortly after stepping through the door we entered into a parallel universe.

The “Returns” guy told us that we didn’t buy the door there so we couldn’t return it.  Strange, we had a receipt stating that we had purchased this door ($180) at Home Depot.  “Nope, the numbers don’t match.  You didn’t buy it here.”  We most definitely did.  There are no other home improvement stores in the area and we hadn’t been anywhere other than Home Depot.

After about 30 minutes of haggling with the “Returns” guy, the “Door” guy, and the “Manager” guy, we finally got our $180 back.  Dammit!