I really don’t understand why you people think podcasts are so great. They are old technology. They are linear. You can’t “scan” a podcast for information. A web page with written text is a far more efficient system for delivering information!

And I think that system was invented like 20 years ago or something. So get with the times you people. Google it and you’ll see I’m right.

I understand if you are using podcasts to fill a void, such as when you are driving or otherwise traveling from one place to another. In that case I bestow my blessings upon you, because listening to a podcast in that case is almost justified. It’s certainly better than re-reading subway ads or staring off into space or cursing out your fellow drivers and damning them to an eternal afterlife in the flaming pits of hell. (you know you do that)

If you MUST create a podcast at least, for the love of all that is good and pure in this world, do it like this:

1) KEEP IT SHORT, YOU JACKHOLE

Podcasts should never be more than 15 minutes long. That’s right, frat boy, I said “never”. So turn off that damn microphone and start editing.

I was just IM’ing with a friend and he pointed me to a funny segment in a 1Up.com podcast. I was like, “Cool, that sounds interesting enough to temporarily suspend my saving of all humanity as we know it to go take a listen.” You see, I had just dissed the new Guitar Hero 80s edition playlist and apparently 1Up.com had also dissed it. I wanted to hear what they had to say.

So I go to 1Up.com and attempt to locate the podcast. This in and of itself was a chore because 1Up.com doesn’t have podcasts. They have 1Up Radio! OOOOOooooooo. So which the hell one do I listen to? My friends points out the correct file. I click it and the adventure begins!

… 1 minute… 2 minutes… 2:30 and they are FINALLY getting to the content. Then my friend IM’s me as says the part I’m looking for is about 100 minutes in.

100 minutes

Remember now, the content I’m looking for is a few sentences about why 1Up.com doesn’t like the new Guitar Hero playlist. If they had just written it down it would have taken me about 15 seconds to find it and read it.

2) TRIM ALL THAT POINTLESS FRAMING CRAP

Your podcast doesn’t need cool intro music. Nobody cares about the breadth and width of your musical taste. And stop with the personal intros. We don’t care who you are. You are nobody and we like it that way. Just give us the information for free and lets be done with it. Your podcast is not going to make you famous. Mostly because it sucks.

But we can live with that if you would just STOP INTRODUCING YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS. And never, EVER do “shout outs”. They virtually define the word “ghey”. And we don’t care what you have been up to, where you will be going, or who you will be seeing later on.

Guess what else. None of us care who friggin’ recorded the show or edited the show. If we don’t care at the end of major motion pictures, we certainly don’t care at the end of your basement podcast! If you are done with your content, just say “the end” and end the file. We will thank you.

That’s enough. I’m bored. The end.